Overcoming Post Traumatic NTCC Disorder By LaQueshia Jeffries

Thread #48 First admit that you have a problem.

Speaking from personal experience, after deciding to leave NTCC, my first instinct was to frantically look for churches that met the NTCC mold. I had maintained some ‘friendships’ with people still in the organization, and I did not want to appear unsaved in their eyes. So I knew I needed to find a new church quick. Many of the places I attended were either just as misinformed or manipulative as the NTCC. And the ones that weren't, I picked apart with my judgments and criticism.

It took me quite a while to get it in my head that I had left the organization for a reason. And the reason was that I had erred by continuing to attend even after the little angel on my shoulder screamed that I should get out of dodge. Yes, I had messed up, and I had to tell myself that it was okay to step back, take a breath, and admit a profound mistake. After that, the pressure to appease that NTCC voice in the back of my head began to relent.

Seek Help.

Although my family was happy to ‘have me back’, I still did not want to delve into all the lies, abuse, mischaracterizations, and hurt I felt about having attended the church. However, it is through sites like Fact Net and Jeff’s blog that allow one to decompress and move on. (Fasten your seatbelt, we’re about to plunge deep.)

Molestation is a terrible thing so I do not use this example lightly, but it is worthy of a comparison. For years I suppressed the memory of my own molestation and chose not to deal with it. Only God knows how that has affected my personal relationships and approach to life. After years of trying to move past NTCC and feeling guilty and nervous with every visit to my mother (since I always ran into members and former friends), it finally came to a head when I called Jeff. I had always wanted to believe that the leaders were just misguided and had no clue the damage they caused people. Even after Rev. Parr castigated me for withdrawing and attending fewer services, while pregnant, and after having lost my son’s twin, I was angry but chalked it up to his inexperience as a leader.

But I always knew in the back of my head that the Elders were intimately involved in every aspect of a given church, especially a servicemen’s work. Anyway, Jeff told me of the land transfer between the NTCC and Kekel, and I became sick to my stomach. I abruptly ended our call and cried my heart out. Some 3 years after leaving the organization, I finally realized they were completely wrong. NTCC was not the voice of God, but instead the brainchild of Davis. Talking to others and allowing yourself to grieve with quicken the much needed healing process. Suppressing your feelings will not.

Apologize.

Depending on how ‘zealous’ you were you may need to sign many “I’m sorry!” letters. I had to apologize to my mother for acting in a disrespectful and smug way to her. To my sisters, who sat with me after one of my miscarriages, (something no pastor ever did, since I miscarried a few days before conference), even though I told them they were sinners and barely maintained contact with them. Finally, I had to forgive myself for being a jerk and for being prideful and dumb, at the same time. During my time in NTCC I thought I was so superior to others, that I had the answers, when I truly did not. Forgiving oneself for ‘wasting time’ is one of the hardest things to do. But ultimately, the time is already gone, it cannot be retrieved.

Stop wishing and start living again. If you do not know how to begin, simply start by emulating someone who is happy, helpful, and honest. It will become easier over time to discern genuine and legit people. As a matter of fact, those few honest and lovely people you met in NTCC may have actually left by now. See if you can find them. The woman who invited me was always so sweet and forthright, even while in the org. She left approximately a year after I did. We are still great friends to this day.

Written By LaQueshia Jeffries and posted by Jeff Collins