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There has been a lot of speculation lately, from many avenues, as to what submission to one's husband truly means. I have seen submission equated with being a doormat, over and over again. I have also seen it equated with "putting your husband on a pedestal" and following blindly. The examples I had growing up led me to believe that submission was expected of a woman, and taken from her, rather than allowing her the choice to give it. I saw dominant husbands take their roles to the extreme. I heard it touted about that the man made the money, and that the woman had no say. One story in particular I remember hearing over the pulpit related from the lips of RWD himself. A man in the church was talking to RW, and RW said that he was thinking about getting a new car, and so they stopped and looked at a dealer's lot. RW was strongly considering buying one particular car, and the brother asked him, "Are you going to talk to your wife about it first?" RW told him in no uncertain terms that HE made the money, and it was HIS, he didn't CARE what his wife thought because HE was the head of the household and she would either fall in line or there would be problems." Another story I heard from him was one in which he was saying that he had no need to look at pornography, because he had a wife. "All I need to do is go home and tell her to get undressed, and she'd better do it," were his exact words. To me this sounded like rape, and neither story really sounded biblical to me. I didn't understand how a person could think this way about his wife. Didn't the Bible say that a man was to love his wife as his own body? I needed a better answer. After years of soul-searching as an adult, I stumbled accidentally onto the literal answer that I felt applied, biblically.
A friend of mine has a daughter who is 11 years old. She is very much a follower. When asked what movie she wants to watch, or kind of dinner she'd like to have, etc, she always just asks to have the choice made for her. Some would see this as weak. These people have not seen her, though, when someone tries to tell her what to do when she did not give them permission to do so. In her last neighborhood, there was a bully. He constantly tried to force her to play the game he wanted to play. She refused and usually went inside. One day, she saw him treating someone else this way, and she got in his face and in no uncertain terms told him exactly what she thought of his controlling attitude.
Her mother and I discussed this, and I pointed out that she will most likely be a very submissive wife. She was concerned, because not all men see submission as something they earn from their wives, but something that is due them for the simple fact that they own a Y chromosome. Then, we started to see, as with the bully, that her daughter was choosy about who was allowed to tell her what to do, and who was not. She gave her submission to those who had earned it - either her parents, by right of them being her parents, or her friends, by right of having been nice to her and earning it. This got me thinking about what true submission is in adults who marry. This is what I came up with. A woman who is submissive to her husband can either chose to do so, or have the choice taken away. When a woman has that choice taken away from her, it is not healthy. She is married to a dominant, control freak husband who must dominate every aspect of his wife's life. The woman who chooses to be submissive takes control of her own life. She finds a man that she feels is strong, and worthy of her trust. By placing her trust in him, she is able to allow him the reins, and be submissive to him.
Sidetrack for a second - because I'm a horse person, everything seems to have analogy in horses :) With horses, they are stronger than you, they can be meaner than you, etc. But if you respect that horse, and do what you can to work with him or her to form a partnership, that horse will trust you for the rest of his or her life, and you can guide where that horse goes, with only a few nudges along the way. But if you are mean to that horse, and completely disrespect it, you will get one of two things. One horse may end up with a broken spirit. He has no real purpose in life other than keeping you from getting angry with him. Another horse may end up taking back the control, and buck you off and refuse to allow you to touch it. Women are the same way. Women who truly feel that they have control over their lives will fight you if you take her for granted, and are rude and disrespectful to her. How can she be successful in raising children according to God's laws, if she and her husband are unable to follow them in their own lives? Women who do not have control of their lives - or feel that they do not - end up broken. Their children end up raised in an unhealthy environment, because how can she raise happy, well adjusted children, when she herself is not? Neither is a good scenario. Women shouldn't think that being submissive means becoming a doormat. It means trusting in your husband to do what is right for your family, and placing yourself under him on the totem pole. It is something only you can do. No one should ever be able to take that choice away from you. But put yourself on the totem pole above him, and you emasculate him, and do not allow him to lead, which is where God wanted him to be.
Men, don't think that submission is a sign of weakness. Your wife is not weak. She is a woman in her own right, with her own personality, her own likes and dislikes, her own opinions. Completely disregard this and you will have one of the 2 previous scenarios. It is a good recipe for disaster. But treat her right, let her know that her opinion matters. I am not suggesting that you drop the reins and become emasculated. It is completely possible to allow your wife to express her opinion, hear her, and then make your decision, even if it is not what she suggested. She will still feel heard and considered, and that is important. It is the mark of a true leader who allows his wife to share her opinion before making his decision.
I want to end this by recapping - it is my choice to be submissive to my husband. He earned my trust before we ever married, by showing me that he was a trustworthy companion, and honest and earnest leader. If he ever destroys that trust, I will take back the reins until he can find the spot God wanted him to be in. This may make me seem defiant to some of you, but I will not be trampled underfoot. That is not the place God gave to me. He gave me the spot of being a helper to my husband, not a slave. He gave me the spot of being my husband's follower, not his doormat. I hope to God this never happens, because it will put me in a very uncomfortable position. But I must place my trust in God that he would lead my husband back to where he needed to be, so that I could then resume being my husband's help meet, the way it was supposed to be.
Jennifer Maesner